Yesterday I was sewing and thinking and I was challenged by a question I was pondering. I took it to Facebook.
Question: If you could go to Heaven in one week, would you?
I received a lot of responses. Many of them were hesitant to jump right from this world into God’s kingdom. Some aren’t done living yet but mostly the feeling I got was we mamas don’t want to leave our families. This was my response:
I think I should want to go right now. I want to say I’d choose to go right now. But, I think of my kids left without a mother and I can’t even think about how that would be for them. I’m too much in this world, I suppose. I shouldn’t think twice about wanting to leave this dying, broken world, but that doesn’t mean it’s so easy when I’m honest about it.
But I received one comment that wasn’t like the rest. I’m not surprised – she radiates Jesus. No matter the situation, she is always quick to turn it back to the Lord. My dear friend was enthusiastic in her response:
A short time later she followed up with:
It’s interesting to read all your thoughts. I know God has placed me here to love and care for my family, but I was created to be in a relationship with HIM. And my heart yearns to be in His presence fully. God is soooooo able to care for my family – with or without me. I know it, because I have seen Him care for them through me – in spite of my failures and imperfections. So, if I could go and be WITH Him next week? I would totally do it!
I have thought about this a lot since last night. Is this a weakness of faith, that I want to stay here, in this world full of trouble, and pass on an opportunity to live in glory? Do I not trust the Lord fully to take care of the children He let me mother for this short life? Am I afraid of something? Why do I not yearn for eternity more?
These are the things I wrestle with.
I know that an eternity in Heaven is far, far better than I can imagine. I want that, but I don’t want it today. This troubles me. I believe, I know, that God knows what is best for me. I know that He loves my children more than I do and that His plans are best. I know that I can trust Him. I know all of these things in my head, but I don’t know if I fully embrace them in my heart.
I know that’s not a pretty thing to admit.
I know that God is far better equipped to care for my children than I am. I see so much evidence of His goodness in them than my own parenting successes, yet still, I don’t want to release them fully. This is something I am not proud of and I don’t know how to change my heart. I have such a drive to care for and protect them. I know that I cling too tightly to my role as their mother and protector. I don’t know how to let that go. It’s so hard. On one hand I can not imagine how much it would hurt them to lose their mother – it makes me sick to think of my children having to process that type of grief. But, I suppose I’m also somewhat afraid of who would mother them in my absence. How selfish is it that I wouldn’t want someone else to take my place, or to do a better job than me?
Sometimes it feels like my faith truly is as small as a mustard seed.